Contract = Confusion = Sleepless nights...

"Shin, you free now? Can I have a word with you?"

There goes me and Surin walking over to the HR interview room for a one-to-one private talk...
I always felt glad whenever Surin take the effort to talk to me this way, however today guilt filled my heart more than gladness..

First topic on the plate -- my employment contract -- he said that he had promised me earlier that he would update me on my contract status anytime end of April or early of May so that if there's anything happens, I would have sufficient time to lurk around for a job. However, today he couldnt offer me what I had always wanted or wish to hear from them (the management) -- my contract status still unknown.. meaning that, all of them are not sure yet, the decision is in Yasmin (DHL Express Asia Pacific big boss) hand...

The fact that made me having my confidence built back up a lil by lil was when Surin told me that, indeed there were a number of person a.k.a managers who supported my employment here -- meaning would want me to stay...

Then the second topic on the plate -- "was there anything bothering you for the past month?" -- this was the question asked by Surin which hit me.. perhaps I myself did not really realize the changes in me that he and Salina noticed.. "Your energy level seems to have dropped... as if like you were starting well at 5th gear but for the past month, I noticed that you had swithed to 3rd gear instead..."

Surin's example with the gear thingy was good enough... then he added, not that I did anything wrong or my job is not good.. it's just that it bothers him much when he dont feel that I am happy or as enthusiatic working as when I was nearly joined.. He was worried if I am already bored with the job or if there's some work related stuffs that are bothering me..

It was spontaneous of me to assure my boss that I am doing fine -- nothing related to work that is bothering me -- prehaps more on my personal stuffs..

The fact that my contract is going to end in just another 4 months time really does affecting myself -- day by day without myself realizing the harm it does to my mind -- my mind just cant stop thinking where should I head to after this? What kind of job or company would I be interested? How would all this affected my own plans for the years to come? Will I be able to continue my master with all these shits happening? What about having my own house? What about climbing up the ladder -- when can I manage to achieve this?

All these were wondering in my head as Surin was trying to make me feel comfortable again into my working envronment...

"You know when did I decided to hire you?" -- this was the 3rd unexpected question asked by Surin... "Try to guess"

Then I answered "Right after my interview with you?"
He just shake his head and I remembered every word he told me which made me realized that I had forgotten to be myself -- my very ownself...

Surin told me the fact that he had spotted and wanted to hire me was when I was still an Intern in HR. I first work closely with him was during the Kids Camp and during that time he said he has spotted the staff he wanted to hire into his team.. He said that the way and attitude I showed during the Kids Camp was positive -- for a person / girl to sit under the hot sun doing registration without complaining and keep smiling was what attracted his interest in hiring. "I believe other bosses out there would be glad to have hire you as mch as I do"
Surin did said that he hopes by telling me this it would actually be able to convince me on how glad they are of having me here to work with them and wanting me to stay... I was almost at the point of teary eyes when he said all these but I managed to still hold them back..

Honestly, I wasn't ready to leave yet -- I saw there are tons of opportunities for me to soar if I am able to stay. I know where I want to head to if I am still there... but all these uncertainties really are making me confused and worried all the time.. Without a permanent position, it is hard for me to plan my path... I need a solid ground to step on, being comfortable with it before I start walking on it then start sprinting along the path...

There was a vacancy in DGF (DHL Global Forwarding) which looks interesting -- however it was based in Labuan. Not that I am not willing to travel and work there... with Uncle Stephen and Auntie Siew Kim there, I have nothing to worry... but my heart was reluctant to leave.. I'm gonna miss my mom (and she gonna miss me so much), I'm gonna miss my cat, and of course Kenneth too... who's going to take care of my car? my mum? aiseh... too many things already...

I have my own goals and dreams to reach.. I really do hope I can reach them on time..

Just pray hard everything will be fine...

Love,
Shin :)