Unhappy life...

Suddenly, without me realizing, the biggest fear of my life struck me again -- tears flowing down my cheeks... I had tried my very best to stay strong for the past few months, I knew life is tough and I knew I have to go through everyday with a smile but at this moment, I just felt it's too hard for me to move anymore...

So much had happened for the past few months, I felt weak but at the same time I was telling myself that I had to go through all these by myself with courage and hope. I smiled a lot, I laughed a lot, I joke, I sing and every other thing else... but at this moment I just lost the strength... All because I just realized that, all the time, what ever had happened to me, my family was never by my side giving me strength that I needed and they were never here lending me an ear to listen to me nor a shoulder for me to cry on. I had just realized that I am very tired now of walking alone for the past 23 years...

Few years ago, I thought I had found someone at last, someone who will be there for me when when I'm sad, someone who will always had patience for me to cheer me up when I'm down, someone who would just be by my side all the time... forever... Soon enough that I was hit by the reality -- things changed, human changed too. We broke up, and again, I need to deal with everything by myself again. Swallowing whatever happened to myself deep into my guts and in hope that all of it will be digested the next morning I woke up... The place for me to share my happiness and sorrows vanished just like that... No one knew how hard I felt, no one would even bother, especially my family. I thought he will be with me aiding me while I am having such unhappy family and siblings around me... but guess I just hope too much..

For the past few months -- since the time I came back KL for my Internship and really started working, I cried almost every day coming back home, almost everyday till I break down in front of mom... I keep asking mom why, why and why... and she could never able to answer my questions.. Why am I having siblings that dont talk to me? We are living in the same house but why it was speechless between us? Why dont she answer me when I talked to her? Why she ignored my words and I was left stranded standing there? Why must he scolded me stupid whenever I asked him something? Am I not human enough to be respected?

Why cant she talk to me face-to-face instead she just prefer to sms me when she wanted to tell me something? Although we are just in the room next to each other? Why she never pick up my call whenever I called her? Am I too embarrassing to be your sister? Am I too stupid to be your sister? Am I just not good enough to be loved like you love your brother? I am your little sister too...

People always said that being the youngest is the best, you got loved by everyone from small till you grew up. You get whatever you wanted easier compare to your other siblings.. Would that applicable to me? the answer would be 'NO'...

When I was small, none of my relatives love me like they love my sister and brothers. My sister used to have birthday parties almost every year, get new dresses and etc from them -- my aunts and uncles, till she grew up. What do I get? Nothing, not even a glance from them. I only got a pink teddy bear from them when I was 5 and my only birthday party with mom and siblings when I was 6.

When I was small, I used to be bullied by my cousins, no one wanted to play with me coz I was small and dark. I was pushed aside... Mom never really loves me that much. Her attentions were more on my brothers -- espcially the 2nd brother. I would be the last to get anything in the family... Only my dad, I was his favourite. I would get him his newspaper and glasses whenever he came back from the farm. Get him his coffee made by mom and sat beside him and talk to him. He was the one who would bother to hugged me and let me sat on his lap... He was the only one who would bother to talk to me and bring me down stairs to buy ice cream...

But why, in the end he too choosed to leave me here, stranded again... He had promised to teach me how to fish... He had promised to teach me how to drive... He had promised me too much which it left me here with only false hopes...

.... my brother just knock on the door.... I just not dare enough to open the door and let him see that I'm in tears... God, I really dont want to be in this situation but I am just not strong enough now... I used to have 'him' to talk to, but I have no one now...

No one in the house allowed anyone to talk about my dad. Although I hate him so much for abusing mom and deterioting the family till the way it is today, but he is still my dad... I used to cry when I miss him, back in campus.. but I was told that I am just silly to cry instead I should move on. I am moving on... but, cant I miss my own dad? Cant you understand the pain I am having?

I admit that I am silly enough of thinking about committing suicide because of the horrible family relationships... I really do... I was thinking, if I die, I wouldnt have to suffer so much anymore as I cant bear to see my family this way and envy others' family... I used to envy my ex relationship with his sister. He joke with her, bring her out and his sister too was closed to him... and guess what, his sister was the youngest, and I asked myself, I was the youngest too but why it is so different?...

I used to envy Felicia's family too. Her mom and dad were sporting and always joke with their own children. Felicia and her brother, Alvin were just like best buddies. They jokes, share stuffs and hang out together...

My eldest brother is still missing... I called and sms hundreds of times but he never answer me. Being ignored again. Mom is damn worried of him. CNY is coming, mom and I were thinking whether he will come back home or not... :(

I had made many first moves to change thing -- talking to them, but I was ignored. Helping with the house chores, but I was ignored. Cooking for everyone, but I was ignored. If you are going to treat me such way, why do you invited me to stay here with you at the first place? Might as well I just move out to a place of my own...

Sometimes, what make me stand up and moves on again is mom and also myself. Mom had suffered enough and she shouldnt not bear all this nonsense anymore. I had been given up by so many people so many times that I am very sick of it already... In the end, it would be only myself who will be walking down the road on my own.. I am the one who is composing my own story, the characters that appeared are just some supporting elements...

My eyes are going to look bad tomorrow morning when I woke up.. Darn! Should have hold those stupid tears back... :)

Love,
Shin :)