What would you feel when you are forgotten? OMG, I would fell like I'm at the end of the world! Imagine my mom forgetting about me, I would be crying like crazy now. Imagine someone you care and love forgets you, will your heart feel good or happy about it? I dont think so... As for me, it's always hard for me to forget about someone or something that had been in my life earlier.
Let's take Mun Kok as an example... Why on the day that I received the news that he had passed away I would freak out and actually started to cry? When I really sit down and think over it, there are few reasons behind it:
- It's shocking that the way he died actually frightens me
- He was the first guy I ever had a crush on when I was 13 :P
- He was very charming and cute since the day I met him till now --> he's a Taekwando black belt at the age of 16 ya know and a very good badminton player
- He... He is just simply Mun Kok...
This place (a notebook + cyberspace) sort of like giving me a soothe in the heart to spell out what I am most afraid of... I do not have family members to talk to, and I do not have much friends who would willingly listen to me -- which is what makes this place the best for me to talk to my ownself.
Anum, who is one of my coleagues told me the other day during a breakfast session that she had broken up with her many years fiance... she lookspale and down for a while but she had been a very happy and crazy girl we know of. I can see that she is a very strong person within and struggling to live alone again after all the years... She then asked me about my experiences. I said "Anum, I do not have experiences but I only have experience..." and then smiled and look away. I guess she understand what I meant and how I felt too. She then said "Nevermind, guys are like that!"... It was weird of what I said to her afterwards, I said "I guess like is a non stop rollercoaster to us. At times we will be at the top and then we will go down to the bottom in our life. I had been there (at the top) and I had seen how beautiful the sunrise or the stars shine, but I can never forget that it is at the bottom of the ride that makes me learn the most -- about myself, himself as well as people around me"...
Mom told me this morning that I was actually talking in my sleep (or should I say in my dream? :P).. I asked her what I said. She told me this is not the first time, it had happened few times already when I went back to Raub and share the same room as her. I insist to know what she heard, and she said that last night, I was actually calling my dad and crying. I was stunned to know this and I just kept quiet. The rain outside is getting heavier... I then ask her what else did I said (from previous nights weeks or months ago?)... She said she couldnt recall but she remember it was like just started 2 or 3 months ago where I often cried in my sleep and saying something like 'dont go'.... Weird as I heard from mom but I have to admit that, I did know that I cried in my sleep few times -- I thought I was just too tired.
I guess I had been trying very hard to forget what I dont like and what I am not happy with that had happened in my life before. As I had said earlier, it's not easy and sometimes, impossible to forget, even the very little thing that ever happened to you... When I say to forget, it doesnt means that I hate them, it just that, I had learnt from those experiences and ok, green light, lets forget about it and create some extra spaces for happy ones :)... Mom said, anything just share with her. Not that I dont want to but I dont want her to be worried of me and start getting sleepless nights after sharing my problems and things that happened to me with her.
It's hard for me to forget the time when you watched your dad actually took the motorcycle helmet and knocked it onto your mom's head. It's hard for me to forget when you saw that your mom had been physically and mentally abused to some extend that you felt you are so useless of not be able to help her. It's hard for me to forget that no cousins who wanted to play with you just because their parents said that your mom is from a poor family background and dont mix with people as such. It's hard for me to forget all those cracks between siblings that sometimes I envy so much of other family where I wish I was in theirs... sometimes. It's hard to forget the only one time you love a man so much and you loose him just before you realized you can no longer keep the relationship alive.
Whatever it is...
It's even harder for me to forget all those happy moments I had spent with my dad and my family together when I was small -- we went to vacations and dinner gatherings. It's even harder for me to forget all those happy moments I had with the man I love which I had learnt so much about the value of myself -- being love and pampered. It's even harder to forget those moments that you sister once holding your hand when you were small and both of you are taking bus to travel around -- which everything changed so much now.
It is the hardest to forget how all these ups and downs, sorrows and happiness, tears and laughter -- had mould myself into now...
Cant believe I would actually cried writting the last part of that (above).. :P
Conclusion, who said it's forgive and forget? Forgive is always easier than forget but... you will never forget about all those that you had forgiven in your life, it's impossible...
Let's have a life everyone. Stop bugging else's life and have one on your own. I love to write as I used to be. I love to smile as I always be. I love to sleep coz it's my hobby. :P
Tomorrow I'll be heading to the cinema for a movie -- 'Twilight'... I remember there's a time, how I wish he would take me to a movie... :)
I'll be watching this with some friends and Ric@JoJo and Amanda said it's a very romantic movie. Hope I would enjoy the romances in the movie. On Sunday, I'll go watch 'Boltz' alone. Feel like being alone and doing things alone sometimes :)
I'm hungry now... Have to cook my own meal... Miss mom so much now, hope she'll have a safe journey to Taiwan and will have a great time there! Muacks... I love ya, mom! :)
Love,
Shin
No comments:
Post a Comment