Wild thoughts...

I had a very crazy and wild thought today.

"Akak, today I felt weird la. Was thinking about something" I skype Dilla this afternoon.
"What's that?" Dilla asked.
"I felt like I would be happier and enjoy living in a single life more" I told her.
":), hahaha good then" this was her last reply on this matter.

When come to think of it, I am admitting now that, I had started to have fear on relationship as well as commitment. I'm so scared it will failed again. Even scarier, I am scared that I wouldn't give my 100% in the relationship and started to take things for granted. I'm afraid I would started to become the one who take more than to give.

Should I said that I am having a slight fear on commitment? I no longer like the lovey-dovey feelings I once adore of. Not that I dislike them entire now, but perhaps, I'm not into it at this moment? It's more like I am learning to be the independent Shin Khai again after few years of struggle in something without a future. I wasted too much time on it that I didn't manage to do so many things when I can. I don't wish something to tied me down and hold me back from doing things that I wanted to do, again. I don't like being in this situation. I wanted to be someone who is happy, cheerful and independent.

I am no longer envy couples that displaying their "PDA" a.k.a Public Display Affection in front of me. Just let them be, they are happy and I am happy to be alone at this moment.

I used to tell or joke with mom, "What's the big deal if I never got married in the end? I dont think I will cry about it. As long as I love myself and I can make myself happy, I guess I dont need anyone to make me happy." Mom just keep silent. I know what she's thinking. She would love someone to take care of me too in the future, someone who is loving and care. I myself too would love that if it can be a reality, but why must we be so dependent on that? Dilla once said that, "In the end, you might feel lonely and when you need someone to be around you, you will understand what I'm telling you now." Guess I had just got used to being lonely with myself if you know how my siblings are and how was my family relationship's condition is.

I enjoy mingle with people and knowing someone new, but I am not afraid to be alone with my own too. Perhaps some would say that it's weird but what else could I say? Guess everyone is weird in their own way and I am in this way :)

Suddenly, I think of my dad. I was thinking, if my dad is still around with us till today and never actually left for a new family, I wouldnt be this lonely and my thoughts might be different too. Just maybe... maybe...

Ok, it's time to take my medicine and go to bed... :)

May God bless you all!

Love,
Shin :)